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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593914">Late Night Thoughts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Centricide (Webseries)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>After the Centricide, Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:29:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29593914</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nazi can't sleep at night and has some sad monologue with himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Late Night Thoughts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just quickly want to warn you that this is literally just a vent fic.<br/>I projected onto Nazi instead of pathetically crying in my bed. It probably doesn't even read well.<br/>But I hope someone enjoys it anyway.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He knows that he is a horrible person. He knows that people have justified criticism against him. He should probably change to make other people like him. To show them that he was worth something, anything. But what kind of life would that be, when you're not you, yourself, but are just a lie? </p><p>Not to mention, he hated change. Why can't just everything be as easy as back then? Back then, when his parents and he would happily sit outside on a picnic blanket. Back then when his dad would run his hands through his soft hair and back then when his mom would say "I love you" with a smile on her face.</p><p>It was funny thinking about "back then" and saying everything was better "back then", considering that "back then" all just had been a lie. When Conservative gave him that blood test, it felt like a world fell down on him. He felt like breaking down. He felt like crawling back to his parents and pathetically ask them for help. And also ask them if they knew. Ask them why they didn't tell him this very important aspect of his life. He always had thought being White was kind of his identity. That one and the only thing he could support himself on when he felt like shit. That "I might be a shitty person", but "at least I'm White."</p><p>He refused to break down over this though. Why would he give the people what they wanted? They wanted to see him break down. They wanted him hurt. He knew they all hated him and he couldn't give them that. He would simply take this hit and live on with it. He was strong. Emotions are controllable and he could accept this change. </p><p>He, for once, would be okay with this change. He was adaptable. </p><p>Nazi looked at himself in the mirror. There were dark circles under his eyes. He hasn't had such strong suicidal thoughts for years, but ever since the conversation with Conservative, they came crashing back. He thought they would eventually just leave as they always did. If he ignored it, as he had always had done with these feelings before, they would eventually go numb and he would be okay. </p><p>Sure, the suicidal thoughts never fully went away, but he always turned out to be okay. But this time the feeling didn't go numb. His heart ached and ached in pain and it didn't stop. It never stopped. And he found himself back on suicidal forums every night.</p><p>In the end, he was not adaptable to things. He told himself he is, but he never had been adaptable to things. </p><p>Even back then, as a human, as a child, when his parents would break up. He never was able to overcome this change. In fact, he has never really overcome anything in his life. When anything ever changed, it was from something or someone around him and not himself. </p><p>Knowing he was Jewish wasn't really what annoyed him so much, but knowing that his entire life, he has done nothing but fought against himself. His entire life he fought for something, that wasn't even for him or for anyone he should be caring about. All his fights had been useless. No, more than that, literally more damaging than anything else. </p><p>But the worst of his feelings was, that he has finally undertaken some change and people still hated him. He thought defeating the centrists would take him one step further to a beautiful life. A life where everything was easier. A traditional life. A life where stupid social justice warriors wouldn't get whiny about what he said every 5 seconds. Where he would finally have a place where people liked him. But most importantly, a happy life.</p><p>As he looked at himself in the mirror he could see tears dwell up in his eyes. It was horrible. He hated being weak, it didn't fix anything. Crying just made everything worse. He knew this could never change. He would have to live with this now. His self-hatred list just got longer and longer. </p><p>He also could ask no one for help. Now, this was nothing new. He had been dealing with all his problems alone for his entire life, but for some reason, he really had thought the other three extremists had turned into his friends. He almost had been excited about this new change. This new change he himself participated in! </p><p>That was a bunch of bullshit though. Of course, they didn't see him as a friend, Ancom's outburst back during their last team-up really said everything. Shit, why did he agree to this? Why did he agree to team up with them? Live with them?</p><p>When he lives alone, he wouldn't have to always be strong. He wouldn't have to always look presentable. With the other extremists around, he couldn't just get out of his room, looking like shit and like he has been crying. Everyone would get weirded out. No, actually, they might even celebrate seeing him like that. "I told you he's an incel." And then he would just put a bullet through his brain right there. Splattered blood on the floor. Laughter around him. His hands turning cold. No, he didn't want to think about this now. Committing suicide right in front of another was like the most fucked-up and selfish thing to do.</p><p>Nazi's thoughts stopped as he heard footsteps. It was 3 am, who the fuck was up this late? He listened to the footsteps with a loud beating in his chest. For a moment he considered getting up. He considered asking whoever it was for help to get his feelings in some kind of order. Maybe they wouldn't even mind helping him. Maybe it would be the change they so dearly wanted him to go through.</p><p>He took a deep breath, took a step towards his bedroom door, and grabbed for the doorknob, but before he could push it down, he already heard the person leave into another room. Ah, Ancom probably just walked over to Tankie's room again. Qi often did that when qi had nightmares. It would be best to not disturb these two right now. He shouldn't annoy them with his stupid thoughts. He couldn't even bring them in order. It was just all messed up.</p><p>Whatever. No reason to make this seem harder as it is. He was okay. He always had been okay. Nazi wiped over his wet face, his heart still aching, and slowly made his way over his bed again. He let himself fall down and stared up at the ceiling. This sucked. Sometimes he wished people were right with the accusation that he was a psychopath, then at least he wouldn't have to deal with feelings like this.</p><p>Just close your eyes. Ignore your feelings. It will be okay.<br/>
It has to be.<br/>
There is no other way through this, but to just somehow ignore it.</p>
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